*disclaimer* When I started this blog, it was with the intention of always facing my emotional battles of this journey - the good, bad and ugly - and finding a bit of an outlet to sort of hash them out with myself. They're published, because I figure that somewhere out there is another person, dealing with the same thoughts, feeling as crazy and alone in those thoughts as I sometimes feel. It is in the spirit of that, I'm going to attempt to explain some feelings that I've been facing that I don't really know how to explain. This introduction is here as a bit of a disclaimer... I can't guarantee that this post will make a single lick of sense to anyone except me. With that being said, let the rambling commence!
It's no secret that weight loss isn't "clean" like you see on popular television shows like The Biggest Loser. While it would be awesome to get on the scale every week and see a consistent loss, the truth is, it just doesn't happen that way. There are some weeks that I get on my scale and I've lost five pounds, only to get on it the next week and discover I've gained one back, then lose another half a pound, and gain three back. The net result over time is a general trending downward, which of course is my ultimate goal, but on the week-to-week scale, it truly varies greatly. Because of this sort of "cycling" of numbers, sometimes, it's a little hard to grasp that I'm actually doing it - I'm really losing weight.
I realize that sounds a little crazy, considering I'm obviously losing. The problem is, I get on the scale, and I feel like I am NEVER going to get out of the ten pound bracket that I'm currently in. For example, at the moment, it seems as though I've been in the 260's forever and ever, amen. And if I'm being honest, I kinda have. Right now I'm trending on the low end of the 260's. For a long time, I trended on the high end of the 260's. Since it's still the 260's, it seems as though my progress is standing still.
In addition to the ten pound bracket situation, I also have issues with clothing. While I am noticing that certain clothing items are fitting me better than ever, and some are simply now too big, on a daily basis, it all seems the same. The shirt that didn't fit last week, still doesn't fit this week.
I do understand, and am more than able to rationalize that it's the big picture that I should be focusing on, and that in the long run, I'm down one pants size and two shirt sizes; however, if I'm being totally honest with myself, sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I KNOW I'm losing weight, but sometimes it's hard to grasp it and really, really believe it.
By the same token, I really question what my true body shape is. There are times that I think I'm seeing my body as much thinner than it actually is. I catch a glimpse of myself sometimes and think, "Wow. You're really getting much, much slimmer." Then I'll see a photo of myself, and realize that I may have just caught a flattering angle before.
On the flip side of that coin, there are times that I KNOW that I'm seeing my body as much fatter than it is. I made a comment to my husband that was to the effect of, "I look forward to the day that I'm smaller than her." He gave me an odd look, and said, "You ARE smaller than her."
I.had.no.idea.
I look in the mirror. I see the photos. I know the progress. But, even seeing the photos, I still see a HUGE girl. I look at my belly and I still see the rolls that I loathe. Granted, I'm not 120 pounds and seeing someone who's well over 300, but it concerns me that I am almost out of the 260's and I generally still see a girl who is well over 300. I'm really not quite sure how to tackle this yet, but I'm hoping I'll figure it out soon.
Well, there you have it. My two most pressing inner ramblings of the moment. I'm open to accept any advice that you have to give on them. And I'll be sure to post when I get them figured out. ;)
After literally decades of fighting my weight issues, to the point of being anorexic in high school, I decided that this year I was going to take control of my eating issues...and no, I am not anorexic, nor have I been since I became a mom at 24. Somehow being pregnant switched things in the opposite way. Still an eating issue, but instead I gained and gained and gained.
ReplyDeleteThis year I turned 49 and decided that I was going to be fit and fabulous at fifty instead of fat and frumpy. I have lost a total of thirty pounds so far and this under a doctor's watchful eye. I am eating healthy and exercising. I give myself treats and respect my body by examining what I am putting in my mouth and knowing I am making responsible choices.
I THOUGHT I had it all figured out until I went shopping for clothes with my daughter yesterday....and headed straight to the plus size clothes. The sales clerk looked oddly at me and no wonder. I have not been plus size in quite a while and though overweight for a while since then, I still see myself as the 60 pounds overweight I used to be. I still have a comfortable ten to fifteen to go, but there is no way I am plus sized anymore yet I can't internalize that change.
I am also trying to come to grips with allowing myself to buy new clothes. Somehow I just don't feel deserving to celebrate how far I have come. I am still wearing clothes that are probably at least four sizes too big. I just wear belts a lot. I rationalize it by saying I still have those ten plus pounds to go and I will buy myself clothes when I lose them. Not a great way of looking at things, but I am being honest here. I should be celebrating who I am now as well as looking to where I hope to be in another 6 months, but I still see myself as someone who needs to hide behind big, loose, frumpy clothes.
When you figure it out, please let me know. I would really like to love who I am now as well as appreciate who I am aiming to be down the road!
(PS I have posted as anonymous though I have been following your facebook page...I am not a member of the other profiles so do not know how else to do this)
I really, really encourage you to celebrate your journey as much as your destination. A question to consider (that you don't need to answer here - just for your own knowledge) is are you hanging onto the "fat" clothes because you're afraid you'll go back?
ReplyDeleteAs I have lost, I have absolutely removed every article of clothing that is too big. I don't want to have that window of opportunity to fall back into that comfort zone and know that should I fail, the clothes are still there.
I have one pair of jeans and several tops in my current size. I don't need a LOT of things in this size, since I'm really in transition between two sizes; however, I do need at least a few things that I can feel proud in.
I do, however, continue to struggle with what size I actually am. And if I figure that part out, I promise it will go straight to this blog!! :)
I have to say firstly that I really enjoy your blog. I'm trying to spend more time at the gym and be healthy but its such a heavy burden sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the inspiration!
I have a similar problem that I like to call Fat Eyes. I see myself as much bigger than I am. I am only 8 lbs away from my goal of 150lbs, but when I look in the mirror I see a 200lb woman with folds and bulges and muffins. I have lately been using my husband as my scale and measuring tape. I ask him "am I smaller than her" and he helps me to see exactly where I am. Sometimes i'm surprised at his response. One one occasion I saw a picture of me standing beside a woman I thought was the same size as I was, only to realize that I was dwarfed horizontally and vertically.
Is there a cure for fat eyes? What does it take for women to feel their size?
You have inspired my next blog post and my continued hard work!