Putting It Out There

Now that this blog is slightly more public, and has more followers than it did a week or so ago, one of the most common things I've heard from my family and friends is, "Gosh, you are so brave to just put it all out there like that. I could never share my weight and my struggles with the world like that."

Am I brave to put it all out for anyone to see? I don't know. I don't FEEL brave at all. Am I aware that I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable? Absolutely. Did I consider that everyone who cared to look would have instant access to my exact weight at any given time? Sure. Does it change the way I think, feel, or look? Nope.

Dr. Phil is known to say, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." And I tend to agree with him. I could easily put on this page anything I wanted to. I can have you believe that I'm 50 pounds lighter than I really am (though I think that would catch up to me when I got close to my goal weight and was posting that I was 80 pounds) or I can paint a vision of rainbows and bunnies and butterflies. I could strive to inspire by lying. You wouldn't know the difference.

Putting bunnies and rainbows on this blog doesn't help me. I've been there and done that. I've allowed myself to get to a point that I felt a pressure to perform and to share only the good things. But, let's be honest, this journey is not easy physically or emotionally. By allowing myself to write down exactly what I'm feeling, the good and the bad, I'm also allowing myself to let go of those things and move forward. Putting it on this blog allows someone who is feeling the same way to feel less alone and validated in knowing that someone else has felt the same way. It is my hope that in relating to what I'm posting, that person will feel like it's okay to feel that way, and be less likely to give up.

Leaving my actual weight off, and only putting how much I have lost could be effective, but, it doesn't change how much I weigh. Those of you who see me on a regular basis see the weight. I can assure you that none of you looked at me and thought, "Yep. She's probably 180 pounds - just a little overweight." No. Putting the numbers on this blog may seem brave to some, but in my mind, it just confirms what everyone else already sees: I am fat. Granted, it puts me in a place that will allow "some people" to gasp and gawk at my stats, but my thoughts on that are that those people would be doing that anyway, with or without seeing the numbers in front of them. I can't fix narrow-minded people.

I'm sure that at some point in the journey, I will stumble, and I will fall, and it will be put out there for everyone to see. I'm sure that I will be embarrassed to admit that I'm not doing well, but again, I can't change what I don't acknowledge.

So yes, I'm putting it all out there - every nitty gritty detail. While I'm still not sure that makes me "brave" or "courageous" in any capacity, it does help me with accomplishing my goals, and that's what makes it worth it to me.