The F-Word

Until I began documenting this journey, and started this blog, I had no idea that the F-word was so offensive to some people's sensibilities. I have seen it, heard it, and used it in my everyday life, and really didn't understand that it is evidently a HUGE deal to a lot of people. It has really come to my attention just how harsh using the word can be from my oldest child. Every time she sees me posting on facebook, or pinterest, and especially when she sees me blogging, she gets all sorts of upset.

"Mom.... You are NOT FAT. I wish you wouldn't title your pages that."

Here's the thing: I'm over 250 pounds. I most certainly am fat. Am I as fat as I used to be? Of course not. But, I am, in fact, still very fat.

As a society, a lot of women and girls are engaging in what is commonly called "fat talk" in their social gatherings. We've all heard it, and perhaps we have done it. We have classic jokes about men and women discussing whether pants look her butt look fat. There are girlfriend conversations that usually go something like this:

Woman A: Geez. I've gotten SOO fat.

Woman B: Please. You're not fat at all!!

Woman C: I agree. You're beautiful!

Woman A: No really. I tried to put on my favorite jeans this morning, and I had to lay on the bed to get them to zip.

Woman C: Girl, I would KILL to be your size.

Woman B: Tell me about it. You're adorable.

Woman A: You two are the best friends a girl could have, but I'm still fat...

It has become ingrained in us that should anyone call themselves fat, they're seeking attention and we must immediately tell them they're not, even if they really are. And unfortunately, these thoughts didn't come out of fallacy. There are those women who are indeed a size 2, who insist they are fat and engage in fat talk simply to be flattered.

On the flip side of the coin, there are fat people, who use fat talk to degrade themselves. There are women and girls who will look in the mirror and tear themselves down, one part after another, based solely upon their appearance and the fact that they are indeed fat. I don't even need to say how unhealthy that is.

As some of you may know from previous posts, I've participated in both of these camps in my life. I have totally been the thin girl, pinching together the thinnest layer of skin possible and swearing I had a roll and I was a cow. I have also been the girl who told herself that she was worthless because she was morbidly obese.

As human beings, we are all insecure at the core. The desire to be flattered, to be loved, and to feel attractive lies within each and every one of us, whether we admit it or not. The F-word is often used either to facilitate that or as a result of not feeling that. A lot of emotions are tied to it. On this blog, I'm not seeking to tear myself down or to receive false feelings of flattery by using it. It's purely a statement of fact. It's a blunt observation of reality.

I. Am. Fat.

That being said, I am no longer allowing myself to be defined by the fact that I am fat. I am beautiful. I am important. I am valuable. I am amazing. Being fat doesn't discount a single one of those facts.