Open Letter To My Friends Who Are Happy Staying Fat

While I'm not so sure that this post will receive the same outpouring of love and support and positive reactions (though there DEFINITELY have been some negative reactions) as my last open letter, I made a promise to myself that as I journaled about my journey, I would be completely honest about my feelings and the struggles that I'm having. The things that hold me back are what they are, and I'm going to stay true to what I promised myself at the beginning: I'm going to post MY experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Period. So at the risk of offending a whole lot of people, and being totally crucified, here we go.

Dear Happy Fat Friends (Who Don't Want to Lose Weight),

I love you. I have relied on you to make me feel better about myself. When I have had a craving for cheesecake, you have helped me indulge it with no guilt. You come with me shopping, and you don't bat an eye when I ask the sales person for my size, and actually say it out loud. There is zero judgment, zero shame, zero negative emotions when I am with you.

Until now.

Now that I'm losing weight, taking care of myself, and no longer being 'happy fat' with you, things just aren't the same between us. It's as though, now that we don't have the cheesecake to bond over, we've lost what bonds us together as friends. You say things like "You've changed" when I approach you about it. You're half right. I have changed - my eating habits, my exercise habits, the amount of water I take in, the number of calories I eat, my health. But I'm the same inside that I've always been. My personality remains intact. There's been no changes to those parts of me. I still enjoy the same movies, the same books, the same music, the same sarcastic humor.... And you know what? That's not all. We're not just growing apart - it gets worse.

Beyond our relationship changing, you are sabotaging me. I'm not sure if you realize that's what it is, but it's pure sabotage. You call me and invite me to come for dinner, and prepare unhealthy foods. Then you bring out the desserts. I politely decline, but you say things like, "There's not dieting while you're at my house!!" or "One slice of cake won't cause you to gain all of your weight back!!"

You're right. One slice won't cause me to gain it all back. However, it could be the stumbling block that begins the snowball effect that causes me to gain it all back. It could be the calories of my day to push me over the edge and cause me to gain a pound, which could discourage me, and cause me to gain more and then ultimately give up. In addition to what it 'could' do, if I continue to come to your home, and allow myself to be (for lack of a better word) force-fed more fatty foods and cakes and cookies and alcohol, it will no longer be a hypothetical thought of what a piece of cake could do - it will be the reality of what it did do. I will gain back the weight that I've lost, and probably ten pounds more.

But, let's be honest, that's really what you want, whether you admit it or not. If I fail, and I stay fat, then you still have YOUR happy fat friend. You still have the person that you can indulge in cheesecake with,  the person who will shop at the plus size store and unapologetically ask for a size that is comparable to yours, the person who you feel like there is zero shame and zero negative emotions, no matter what. It makes you uncomfortable knowing that your happy fat friend is going away, so to speak. Your comfort zone is being shaken by my motivation. You no longer have someone who is fat like you and will indulge in the things that you indulge in, or validate you not taking care of yourself.

My dear friends, I assure you, I'm still the same person. I can eat healthy foods; I can limit myself to one glass of wine on occasion; I can drink water instead of margaritas; I can have strawberries instead of strawberry cheesecake; and NONE of those things will affect the way that I act, the way that I think, or the way that I treat you. I still love you just the same. Will I encourage you to get healthy with me? Probably. Will I judge you if you don't? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

If you truly love me, please love me enough to allow me to work on myself, without judgment and without sabotage. Support me. Cheer me on. Be happy for me. And if you feel so inspired, join me! But, first and foremost, if you love me, let me succeed.